James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came forward to him and said to him, "Teacher, we want you to do for us whatever we ask of you." And he said to them, "What is it you want me to do for you?" And they said to him, "Grant us to sit, one at your right hand and one at your left, in your glory." But Jesus said to them, "You do not know what you are asking..."
-Mark 10:35-38

You do not know what you are asking. I wonder how often that's true of us.

Jesus' disciples never seem to get it--especially in Mark's gospel. Of all the people in the world, those twelve would be the ones who should get it, you know? They were the ones who got to accompany Jesus day in, day out. They heard what he said--not just to the crowds but around the campfire at night. They saw how he treated others--not just the nameless folks who came seeking a cure, but those whom he knew inside and out. The disciples got to be there all the time, and yet they still missed the mark. Can we sit with you in glory, Jesus? Can we be the ones at the top? I often think it's a great sign of God's grace that he didn't fire the disciples and find twelve new ones, followers that weren't such idiots most of the time.

But, really, who am I thinking Jesus should recruit? Would I do any better? Would you?

Of course, I'd like to think that I would. I can be unselfish. I can pay attention to the needs of the others. I can be open to God's grace dwelling within my neighbors, right? (Even in my enemies, you ask? Well, sometimes.) Sometimes, indeed. There's the catch. Sometimes it's just a lot easier to think about myself, about what I like, about what makes things simpler for me.

While it's easy to come down hard on the disciples in this story, perhaps we should take our cue from Jesus' gentle response. If he rolled his eyes, Mark doesn't tell us about it. Instead, he just tells them: you do not know what you are asking. He goes on to remind them, again: whoever wishes to become great among you must be your servant. It's not about who's at the top. Glory isn't what you think. It's not about you.

Those are words that seem simple enough, we should be able to get them, right? And yet I suspect that, like the disciples, we all must learn them again, and again, and again... likely with as much bumbling confusion as the disciples.

One doesn't have to read the gospels very much before beginning to suspect that, really, this whole discipleship thing isn't as easy as we thought. Being a follower of Jesus isn't about believing the right thing. It's not as simple as believing that Jesus saves us. Following Jesus is also about being changed by him, allowing our own concerns and motives and relationships to be changed by the good news that he shares. No wonder the disciples came up short so many times. We all do, every day.

Thankfully, that's not the end of the story. The story of Christianity isn't just a story of people trying and failing. First and foremost, it's a story about people who are loved, and who are changed by that love. Christian faith isn't about getting everything right, it's about trusting that God's grace is at work within us, and trying as best we can to let that work happen.

"You do not know what you are asking." I suspect that Jesus meant two things... one, they weren't asking a very good question; it was motivated by self-interest, not love. But, two, Jesus' words are a reminder that we cannot know where our journey of faith will take us. We cannot know, in advance, how God's grace will change us. That's why this is about faith.

When do you find yourself asking Jesus a question, only to hear his response, "you do not know what you are asking?" Where does Jesus ask you to be more concerned with loving others, and to trust that his grace is at work in you? Where can you trust that God's love can transform you, without being all about you?